To Have or Not to Have? That's the question.

Lately I have been dwelling on the difference between having and not having...especially when it comes to finances.

I live in a first-world country where one can never have 'enough' stuff. There will always be another gadget to buy or something else to add to my collection. And on the flip side, just paying the bills can get expensive. As my wife and I budget our funds, we have a number of 'big-ticket' items we have to account for: mortgage, insurance, utilities, fuel, food, etc. Once we are done allocating those funds, we evaluate what we have left over for the non-essentials: phones, internet, savings, vacations, etc. But we usually try to put some funds into a 'miscellaneous' fund and an 'emergency' fund. These are two allocations which cover various expenses that we can't anticipate. In the eight years we have been married, we have seen the balances of these two funds fluctuate as Life happens.

But what I have observed about myself during these fluctuations is that when there is a healthy balance, it is harder for me to take my needs to Jesus as he asks us to. It is far more natural for me to pull out my credit card, knowing that I can cover the expense. It is incredibly rewarding to know that I have diligently saved my money those times when I need it. But when those funds are empty and things come up, my immediate response is to cry out to my heavenly father for help. And I have yet to encounter a situation where a need arises and He hasn't provided for that need. It is incredibly rewarding to see him meet those needs.

But there is a great deal of tension in the truth that God is the one who meets my every need every time....sometimes it's through providing me with a paycheck and guiding me through saving some of it. Sometimes it's through some other circumstances, like prompting a friend to gift us with a car. God is the source, but whom do I run to in times of need? I have to be honest and tell you that I run to myself and my savings account way more than I ought to. Many times in hindsight I wish that I would not have had as much saved as I did, for in those moments, I missed out on the joys of watching God meet my needs.

So back to my original question, is it better to have or not to have? My answer is, "I don't know." The planner in me reads what the Bible says and interprets it as, "Don't be stupid with your money! Be a good steward! Plan for the future!" But the sold-out follower of Jesus in me reads what the Bible says and interprets it as, "Give it ALL away! Live in the moment! Don't worry about what tomorrow brings! Trust!"

I don't know what the right answer is. Maybe it's that I should discipline myself to take everything to Jesus....not just when it's the most obvious that I need him.

But it's one thing to struggle with this tension as a husband and father with a paycheck. It's another thing to struggle with this as an under-funded missionary. Over the past three years, our ministry account has had a healthy balance so we have failed to take our missionary needs to Jesus and have instead relied on our account balance. But now that our account is empty, we are crying out to Jesus like never before...and he is answering! Not in the ways we expect, nor in ways that we can plan on for the future, but we can't deny that our needs are being met, month by month. Being under-funded is not the best situation to be in as a missionary, but maybe it's not as bad as I thought it was.

It's a new type of tension: I have a responsibility to our organization to be fully-funded, and I have a responsibility to my Savior to trust him. My goal is to fulfill both. Lord, help me!